When I drive home after appointments with the kids, I listen to music to soothe the pain. I am not happy with seeing psychologists and having to answer "no" to questions about my children that I KNOW I should be saying yes to. I am sick of the paperwork and red-tape involved in regional centers, school districts, medical grievance departments and therapy agencies. I don't get heard when I talk to my children...and they certainly don't answer back. My agonies could go on and on and I try and "hold my chin up" as many of my friends and family have encouraged me to do. My question is, how do you do that when you keep getting "kicked in the chin"!?
Last month was supposed to be the season of all seasons. Our 3 kids that live in Maryland would be visiting and Kyle would be getting time off that #1 he needed very badly but also...#2 he had to save all year so there was never another break along the way. In the short time the kids were here: the vacuum cleaner broke, the new trundle we bought for the toddlers broke, our garbage disposal broke, all 3 babies got hand foot and mouth disease, Kyle's grandmother passed away, my mother started her chemo treatments for colon cancer and our daughter Kaelynn was diagnosed with Autism. This WASNT going to be the season we were longing for. It WASNT our turn to get a break or to have a time of rest. We are a one income family, we don't get vacations, we don't own a house or enough cars. When we planned for the kids to come, we prayed that those things would change so we would have enough room for everyone, to maybe ease some of the stress. That didn't happen. Instead, it was harder. We joke that when our ship does come in...it will be the Titanic.
I am tired of dragging out of bed to put out fires first thing in the morning. Changing up to 18 diapers a day. My children are in therapy each day with various people coming and going and almost always leaving a mess behind or setting my children free when I'm not ready, only so I can chase them through the kitchen and out the back door. Today, Kaelynn was upset and pulled every stitch of clothing out of her and Aidans dresser. Kylie is teething so she cries all day. Aidan has been constipated and when it ends he poops about 6x that day...resulting in a severe rash and sore bottom. Aidan and Kaelynn whine or scream to communicate and then hit me or throw things at me if I don't reply. Kaelynn throws everything off any surface, strips her bed, clothes and won't let me brush her teeth or hair. I hear some of you saying, "that sounds like any 2 year old"! Can I just say...it's NOT THE SAME! Discipline doesn't work. They have no empathy and high pain thresholds. They don't understand what social graces are. They don't feel sad when I'm angry with them. They are like strong-willed children on crack that don't care about danger. Can they be good? Yes, of course they have their moments. It's the day in and day out that just kills my skills...my mother skills, wife skills, cooking skills, cleaning skills...you get it.
Today, I'm twitching....