Back-Scratch Junky

Originally Published 11-14-2006 My son has crossed over!  I don't know when it happened or how I can bring him back now...I think it's hopeless!  Routinely, he will exhaust himself trying to get his fix of getting "scratched" accomplished.  I have witnessed this tireless effort many times and it makes me laugh without fail.  Last night he even screamed, "SCRATCH ANYTHING! JUST SCRATCH!".  Every night he flops his body on my bed, upside down, sideways, diagonally, face down, fetal position...any different way hoping I will give in to his request - always with a look of total desperation on his face.  Like if he doesn't get scratched he might just die right there at that very moment. **Picture this with me**  I'm tucked in bed ready to read myself to sleep and in comes my junky.  Flopping himself across my lap, his arm comes crashing across my chest and I hear a sigh of frustration, "aaaaaggghghhhhh...please scratch until 10:24...okay, okay...scratch until 10:16...please...Mom! (pause) Scratch! Mom! (pause) I want you to scratch...!"  So, I give in...I start to scratch his arm...He complains, "you're not doing it hard enough, okay go slower...now go down this side, cuz you went down the other side. You aren't doing it right, do it like this (as he demonstrates).  I tell him,  "I don't need your instructions Jake!"  "But, you're doing in wrong and not following the rules," he says.  I reply with laughter, "What? Is there a book on how to scratch and how not to scratch?".  "Yes!", he giggles back. Did you know that there is a specific way to scratch a back, arm or head?  I have been in back scratch training for at least 5 years now. Here are the rules: You can't go too fast or too slow and don't ever change your speed. You have to put just the right amount of pressure consistantly. Your fingernails have to be even and real...not acrylic. You have to cover the entire area at random intervals that equal the rest of the surface - never cater to one area more than another!  Yes, this is true and very important! If you decide to go in circles you have to cover the whole area with circles, don't change the direction of the circles or start going horizontal or vertical just because you feel like it. If you're scratching the head, you have to go against the hair and you have to start the scratch before the hairline...always start right next to the ear. KEEP IN MIND THESE RULES CAN AND WILL CHANGE DEPENDING ON THE JUNKIES DESIRE AT THAT VERY MOMENT!  I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN...DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU! This is very serious business if you want to please your back scratching junky! I don't know how to break him of this addiction.  It is a sad reality in our home.  I just say, "your poor wife is going to have a hard time learning all these important rules.  She is going to spend every night of her life negotiating how much time she is willing to spend on scratching." If you have any advice for a tired back scratching Mom...please reply!

Princess Sand

There once was a princess in a really close land
The land was dirt the land was sand
Where can I build my castle high?
The ground is soft, I dare not try.

She needed a castle where she could live
Live like a princess, like a princess should live
Can't live without a tall tower keep
Where will I lay my head to sleep.

I can't live in this land that is covered in sand
I need help from a sturdy, loving hand.
Asking her Father above the clouds
His land wasn't sand or dirt or ground.

Help me with my problem, my problem so deep
My castle my home, your promise to keep
She called out to Him every day and night
Give me the answer I'm praying you might.

I want my land to be firm like you
Not like the sand that my feet walk through
He certainly listened He had a plan
But princesses don't get answers on their command.

As the days passed by the princess grew weary
Her heart was sad and her feet were dirty
Not much like a princess she felt in her soul
I'm ruined and tired, I want to let go.

I haven't the strength to continue in sand
I wanted a Rock from my Father's hand
I might as well forget the dreams I've once shared
I'll just sit in this pile of sandy despair.

But before I settle for having nothing at all
I'll make one more plea, I'll make one more call.
She opened her eyes flowing with tears
Father, please don't let these months turn to years.

I'm yearning for blessings that come from your throne
I want to learn how to get to the land that you own
From sand to the Rock can't be that far
If that's what it takes to make splendor from scars.

I'm willing to leave the land I called home
My broken heart needs your healing alone
Her Father replied and assured He always had heard her
Live on my Rock and ask nothing further.

As the year continued, things got even harder
She couldn't help but think that He'd forgotten her
She leaned on His promises and gave Him her hope
But here she was again, at the end of her rope.

Without being fully healed from before
She thought the pain was over, yet there was more
For some unknown reason she didn't see clear
This wasn't going to be the year of all years.

In fact, there were more traps set in the sand
She found herself caught up, but not by His hand
Frustrated and weary by making mistakes
She reminding Him daily she wasn't that great.

She failed at everything she had ever tried
Even trusting in Him was an effort that died
"Faith, what is that...if it isn't what I'm showing?"
Each night she couldn't keep the tears from overflowing.

She clung on to something that she couldn't see
Her fingers were weak and her strength gone indeed
There really wasn't anywhere else she could turn
The only thing to do now was to learn.

At the bottom of the sand pit and looking a mess
He reminder her again she was His princess
He hadn't forgotten and he knew full well
There were times in her life that had been pure hell.

He had held her chin up during the darkest of days
And knew she had trusted Him in her own special way
She sensed His presence and now it was time
She looked up from the bottom and started to climb.

She cried all the while and it hurt to even breathe
At least she knew He'd be there, and that He'd never leave.
Yet the question remained in her heart and her soul
What more could He want? She had given her all.

There wasn't anything left that wasn't filled with soil
And her broken condition was proof of her toil
She had nothing to offer and wasn't sure she knew how
To even be a princess, she felt less than ever now.

Given up on her dreams for the fairytale story
That she could tell about later to give Him the glory
But, to Him she's still lovelier than silver or gold
And He is the Author of the life that unfolds.

What I believe Autism is...and what it isn't

Autism is:

A scary word to hear about your child.
A reality for normal families with normal children.
Life changing.
Hard to understand.
Worrisome for the rest of your children.
Exhausting for the child and for the parents and siblings.
A new way of life, we weren't expecting.
A continuous struggle.
A way to bring family together.
Heartbreaking.

Autism isn't:
The end of the world.
Deadly or contagious.
What defines my child.
Made up or fabricated in parents minds.
The same for every family.
Going away.
Predictable.
Fair.
Outside of Gods Devine purpose and plan.
Too big for God.

Chili and Chocolate

As I'm typing, my 3 year old son is screeching from his bedroom...a sound very much like the Nazgul from Lord of the Rings. I simply want him to take a break. You see, he slept from 9-11:30pm last night and then was up until 6:30am. At 8am I had to wake him for a short time because his regular therapy starts at 8:30. Of course, we realized after about 10 minutes that he wouldn't make it through the session, so the therapist left and I let him go back to sleep until 11 o'clock...and when he got up, we got ready for the bus and he was off to school. Long day for a three year old. Its always a tough decision to try and get him to nap because I literally have to sit and listen to the tortuous scream. It's almost worse than just letting him stay up.

My two year old daughter is going in circles around the stroller that sits in our living room (for lack of a better location) and she's muttering "a dah, tha...**breathe breathe** a dah, tha...." and reverse... A bub-bub....a bub"...and now our 5 month old daughter is starting to whine. Oh joy!

So why do I sit and type away as if I have nothing better to do? Well, I don't really know?!! It makes me feel better to write out my frustrations (sometimes) but, I have also realized that somewhere in the middle of all this nuttiness....I am losing myself! If I don't connect with my intelligent womanly side....I will surely become one of these adorable little alien babies that I reside with! Blubbering nonsense, spinning in circles, screeching like the Nazgul...drooling. Or, I will turn into mush (Although that might be because I ate a whole can of chili and a Hershey bar for lunch! You heard me right America!...chili and chocolate!!) But, you get my meaning right? If I'm not careful I will lose it...all of it!! I'm sinking like the Titanic! Not enough lifeboats! Freezing cold water!!! People stealing my floaty toys!!! It's madness!

Now let me be really sparkly clear like a fresh water spring....I am 100% devoted to my wonderful husband and our kids. I am not losing my mind there. He's right by my side going through this too and if he could blog my feelings, you would get 537 pages of heartfelt tender and raw stories.

But, I am human afterall...therfore I blog. I blog for all the stay-at-home, same four walls, tight budget, one car Mommies or Daddies out there who need a laugh or simply a new way to look at things. You know who you are! Life isn't always cake...sometimes it's gluten-free cake.