Thursday, April 26, 2012

Back-Scratch Junky

Originally Published 11-14-2006 My son has crossed over!  I don't know when it happened or how I can bring him back now...I think it's hopeless!  Routinely, he will exhaust himself trying to get his fix of getting "scratched" accomplished.  I have witnessed this tireless effort many times and it makes me laugh without fail.  Last night he even screamed, "SCRATCH ANYTHING! JUST SCRATCH!".  Every night he flops his body on my bed, upside down, sideways, diagonally, face down, fetal position...any different way hoping I will give in to his request - always with a look of total desperation on his face.  Like if he doesn't get scratched he might just die right there at that very moment. **Picture this with me**  I'm tucked in bed ready to read myself to sleep and in comes my junky.  Flopping himself across my lap, his arm comes crashing across my chest and I hear a sigh of frustration, "aaaaaggghghhhhh...please scratch until 10:24...okay, okay...scratch until 10:16...please...Mom! (pause) Scratch! Mom! (pause) I want you to scratch...!"  So, I give in...I start to scratch his arm...He complains, "you're not doing it hard enough, okay go go down this side, cuz you went down the other side. You aren't doing it right, do it like this (as he demonstrates).  I tell him,  "I don't need your instructions Jake!"  "But, you're doing in wrong and not following the rules," he says.  I reply with laughter, "What? Is there a book on how to scratch and how not to scratch?".  "Yes!", he giggles back. Did you know that there is a specific way to scratch a back, arm or head?  I have been in back scratch training for at least 5 years now. Here are the rules: You can't go too fast or too slow and don't ever change your speed. You have to put just the right amount of pressure consistantly. Your fingernails have to be even and real...not acrylic. You have to cover the entire area at random intervals that equal the rest of the surface - never cater to one area more than another!  Yes, this is true and very important! If you decide to go in circles you have to cover the whole area with circles, don't change the direction of the circles or start going horizontal or vertical just because you feel like it. If you're scratching the head, you have to go against the hair and you have to start the scratch before the hairline...always start right next to the ear. KEEP IN MIND THESE RULES CAN AND WILL CHANGE DEPENDING ON THE JUNKIES DESIRE AT THAT VERY MOMENT!  I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN...DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU! This is very serious business if you want to please your back scratching junky! I don't know how to break him of this addiction.  It is a sad reality in our home.  I just say, "your poor wife is going to have a hard time learning all these important rules.  She is going to spend every night of her life negotiating how much time she is willing to spend on scratching." If you have any advice for a tired back scratching Mom...please reply!

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