I decided to start writing again because it's a great way to express myself when I have very little outlets nor time. A lot of things can happen in a few years (although I don't plan to rehash at the moment) but recently, I realized that when we least expect it, true hurt can surface and take us by surprise and literally knock the wind out of us. I like to use the expression, "knocked the wind out of my sails"...because frankly...I am at full throttle 99.9% of the time. When I DO stop and let myself see what is happening around me, it's painful yet liberating that I am NOT in control. What's more, I realize what a serious situation I find myself in at times and that isn't always fun. I don't think it's healthy for anyone to walk through their life and ignore the struggles that are happening, nor is it good to dwell on them. That is why the scripture says "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me" (Psalm 23:4). The intent is not to STAY in the valley nor walk BLINDLY through the valley. Let's face it, times get hard for everyone and we need to learn as we go through it or we could end up on the other side of the valley, very bitter and angry. And I have been there before too...no bueno!
After receiving a bit of discouraging news earlier in the week, regarding our 2 year old daughter possibly having Autism (as our 3 year old son does), I handled the paperwork and meetings like a champ at the time of course...like any level headed woman; then yesterday I completely fell apart while I was bathing her. As I explained to my husband later, it was as if I was holding all of my dreams of her life (ballet, piano, ponies, being a bride, becoming a mother) in the palm of my hands and they all turned to sand...and I had to watch as it all slipped through my fingers. Not able to hold them together for her. Not being in control. That is when I faced the unknown. I don't like this...I am angry...I hurt for her...for us...and it isn't fair! I am human and I know my heart. But, what beautiful reassurance we have when we don't have to face it alone...and to remember that it isn't my incapable palms that she is ultimately being held by...it is Jesus and His more than capable, nail scarred palms that are holding not only my daughters dreams, life, body...but also her entire future!
A few months ago, after giving birth to our youngest, I was having a conversation with God that sounded something like this.
Me: God, please don't let anything happen to my children. I've had a hard enough life and I don't think I could bear it....I love them too much!
God: I do too. That is why I gave them to you.
I am trying to let this resonate. And like any mother, I will have to readdress this over and over.
Thankful for another day!
