We don't need a break FROM our children with Autism, we need a break WITH our children with Autism.

I'm a little hesitant to write this post as I'm aware that any opinion on parenting styles varies so much from family to family and even situations within the same topic can reflect very different realities.  I will be using generalization about raising Autistic kids, so please bare that in mind as you read.


Going against popular belief and the multiple comments I get from loved ones and even strangers, I proclaim with fervor, "We don't NEED a break from our children".  When I've spent an afternoon complaining to a friend about the "goings on" in our household, I can see why their conclusion is, "you need a break from the kids" or "do you have respite care, so you can get away?".  At the risk of sounding double-minded, YES we need those kinds of breaks too but that is not the primary resolution to our troubled minds.  If you have the time and the heart to follow along, let me take you on a journey into the deeper life of a family that has Autism in the center of their world.


If you have children of your own, then you know that they are the center of your universe (besides the obvious disclaimer that God is actually the center and your spouse is your life partner, so lets establish that right away).  That aside, your own children are who you live for, what you work for, who you would die for...you get the point.  When life throws a situation of physical or psychological disability your way, that doesn't change your strong animal instinct to protect and nurture your child and to give them the best life possible.  However, society limits your ability because of their capacity to understand and your own child may limit your chances of succeeding in the quality of life you wish to achieve.  In the end, you don't go anywhere and the thought of exposing your family and heart to ridicule in a community outing becomes daunting at best.  I have been there.  I know.  I have crumbled in total silence in front of strangers that could offer nothing but a cold stare.  All the pain of my children's screams echoing in my heart because its not just my privacy and my ego that is on display but their undeserved anxiety and internal torment.  Do I sound melodramatic?  If I do, you need erase your preconceived and discriminatory mindset and really listen to what I'm saying.


Despite popular belief that these children don't actually understand that they are different, and that they don't care about the trouble they are causing, or because they are spinning in a corner, they don't want to be with people or have friends, I say the opposite is true.  They DO know they are different.  They DO know they are drawing attention when they scream.  They DO want friends.  It is when their compulsive actions happen that they lose the ability to do what is right and therefore causing social discomfort resulting in withdrawal and outbursts.  And the saddest part is, they know it...and they sense other people are equally aware.  They have normal, if not high, IQ's and they have over developed senses so they can hear, see and observe more intensely than we can possibly imagine.


Now apply this new thought process to how a child interacts with the people in their family.  Parents, siblings, Grandparents take on a new role of companion and friendship.  Relationships outside of this sphere are difficult if not impossible.  These are the relationships that will strive to understand their minds and will cheer them on with all accomplishment's or failures great and small.  These people will read books about Autism.  They will talk to other families with Autism in order to gain greater understanding.  They will advocate for their children in business and personal settings.  These people will fight for their children's happiness and will protect them at all cost.  In their life, there may not be anyone else to lean on in the future.  They are at risk for abuse, neglect, isolation, despair and being shut out from society.  I can see that many of these young ones have the potential to grow up and never overcome the behavior issues and the violent tendencies that could lead them into a life of medication and psychological supervision.


To a reader, this is all about "someone else's kids".  To a parent, this is all about "the child that is in the center of my universe".  When I think of my own children being adults and how it will look to be 60+ years old and having to work through social and emotional outbursts with a 20+ year old, I can't comprehend it.  And here is where my topic comes full circle.  How do parents bond with their children at a young age when socialization with autism creates such a gigantic barrier?  How can parents learn how to deeply stay connected to a child who isolates themselves and will only script in a corner with a book or other obsession?  And then how do we translate that into the teen years and into adulthood?  How?  HOW!? 


When my husband and I married 6 short years ago, we gave our lives completely over to God and His Will for our lives.  We said, "use us for Your Glory, no matter the cost".  We didn't know what the cost would be.  We still don't really know what He is up to and I'm not saying our children were the cost but we would be blind to not realize that somewhere in our life of autism is a bigger picture of God's grace.  We have asked ourselves, "how can God use this pain?".  We have literally spent hours and hours talking through situations we find ourselves in.  We overwhelmingly find God in the conversations we have with people who are in our life ONLY because of autism.  To be honest, none of the people that God has led to our house would be here if our kids were neurologically healthy.  None of them!  And THAT, is where we see God.  So where do we go from here?  We don't have the answer completely but I piece it together with other ideas that we have witnessed in our community and that is the fact that families with autism need help.  In my short experience in this field, I can say the mothers have nowhere to turn.  And, what happens most of the time is they turn from the family and run to outlets of one kind or another (pampering, girls night out, shopping, and in some cases unhealthy self focus that leads to division).  Not to say they are all bad outlets, or to say they don't love their families.  I think the opposite is true.  I say, they love their families deeply but it becomes empty if you lose the reciprocal connection with the ones that struggle socially.  If you have one nuero-typical child and a child with Autism, you see the black and white contrast of connection.


Is the point I'm trying to make becoming any clearer?  Parents need time and opportunites to connect with their autistic kiddos in an environment that makes them successful.  Not trips to the store!  Not running errands or going to birthday parties!  The kids will fail.  They will feel worse.  And the parents will stop trying.


This past 3-day weekend, we dedicated most of the time to taking our children on "child-centered" activities.  We went to Santa Cruz and let them go on rides for a few hours.  We took them to Chuck-E-Cheese and church and to the park.  It was a whirlwind of fun, very exhausting and very expensive.  We obviously can't do that every weekend.  But, what I will emphasize is what my husband said at the end of it.  He said, "this was the best weekend we have had with the kids EVER!"  For 2 years we have had respite care come to help watch kids for date nights and other "us" time.  It's necessary of course but it also takes us away from the kids.  Now listen carefully to what I'm about to say.  If ALL of the time we are with the kids is stressful because of busy therapy schedules and school buses and in between is only errand and grocery shopping, then where does the bonding time come in?  If we don't plan specific bonding time, our children nor ourselves will survive the long haul.  We believe that  real help comes in the form of coming along side families and taking the burden on with them.  Sacrificing a gentle easy time at the beach and instead offer to come to an outing to the beach with a family so you can be an extra set of hands and eyes.  What this does is it creates a sense of belonging to the child (which is vital!) and also the family will feel loved and supported and maybe what is more important is they will feel safe.  When we tackle big events like an amusement park or San Francisco without extra help, we fail...big time!  It is a terrible experience for everyone and we come home wishing we had never gone.


I challenge anyone reading this, if you know a family or ARE a family that longs for bonding, that wants their baby boy or teen girl to bond with them like they never have, please consider creating time WITH your child in an environment where they will succeed.  I know first hand the heartache that comes from forcing a regular life on kiddos that have a hard time with "regular".  Take breaks WITH your kids.  Let them be free of schedules and forced trips to Target.  And when you get a sitter...don't always take off and leave them but instead bring the sitter with you.  Make it a family event.  Play in the sprinklers, bury your feet in the sand, feed farm animals, plant some flowers.  It might just change your life and better yet, it may change theirs.

It's totally definitely lovely up in here!

I have emails to return and a recipe to look up for dinner.  Now that our iPad is broken and our 5 year old has been home from school for a few days, due to bowel issues (lovely), he has no regular outlet to keep him occupied.  Extra lovely.  So, about 11:30 our middle-little gets home from school.  Now they are all 3 here and as usual want 3 vastly different things to eat/drink or play with.  As a substitute for the iPad, I allow our son to use my iPhone but the battery doesn't last long and it's our only outgoing phone in the house.  Hence, major multitasking hiccups because while he's on it, I can't text or call people back that have, inevitably been trying to reach me for my daily schedule.  At this point, the 2 girls are roaming around taking their clothes off in the living room and begging for juice cups, at which point I get for them after climbing a gate, once to get in the kitchen and again to get out of the kitchen.  I have also been trying to get laundry done so I'm shifting baskets and making room for my Cornish game hens to thaw on my wash machine because the only counter space we have has a mixer, blender, coffee maker and tea kettle sitting on it....for lack of storage space...even more loveliness occurring.  Ok, now they have their juice and I've put in a cute little Britishy piggy program and now I can get back to my computer work.  But, that isn't all.  If I go in my room, Aidan has to slam the door behind me, it's just the way he likes it and nobody can argue with Aidan.  But, if the door is closed I can't hear the baby climb the gate and get a dry-erase marker and totally, definitely, can't hear her marking up the back door and dryer.  And then, repeat, after swatting her bum and lifting her over the gate, back in the room and out again to find her with a fork in the 3rd yogurt of the morning (which Daddy has made very clear has to last to the end of the week) and she looks at me and with a raspy little voice says, "hi".  I swat, lift and redirect her to the living room and make my way back to the emails that I still haven't done.  All the while, Kaelynn is in a diaper and standing on a chair that she can placed directly in front of the tv and she's hugging the screen and shouting out words that nobody can understand.  After she gets bored, she runs in the room where Aidan is calmly and quietly enjoying himself and screams "Kaelynns turn!!", so he goes to whack her in the face with the phone...but I was quicker this one time and grab the phone and in my held-back good mommy voice, I say, "Sorry Aidan, it's Kaelynn turn"(cuz it really was her turn)...he screams and runs out of the room and she proceeds to slam the door in my face.  Kylie is missing now.  Guess where she is?  In the kitchen of course, and standing in the fridge saying, "juice". Swat. Lift.  "I. want. choco. milk', chimes Aidan from behind me.  I tell him to wait and then I smell something.  Oh, the laxative must be working...so I'm off to change Aidan.  Done with Aidan.  "Mama, potty!", says Kaelynn as she does the wee dance to the bathroom and now Ky has to go too.  Well, why not! Lets all go in the 4x6 bathroom!  One is digging in the trash while the other is bashing my feet with a stool and we manage to get out of there with accomplished evacuation and mama gets the bright idea to put big girl panties on both girls!!  Yay!!  But it's lunch time so I've got to get something together but first I have to get them happy again and get these emails done.  Of course, as I'm hurrying around and being all "busy momish", Aidan shows me my dead phone.  No biggie.  We can do this.  And, it gives me a chance to dismiss the work that needs to be done and we do horsey rides and swings and climb on mommy until her hips are smashed into the carpet.  And lets pull mommy's hair and kick her in the back.  So, done with that quickly, haha.  I chose frozen burritos.  It's one of those "I cook from scratch a lot, and it's slim pickings" days!  Got them in the oven.  Back to email.  Hear the girls in the kitchen. whack. Lift. whack. Lift (there are 2 of them this time)...both crying cuz mama is so darn mean.  Back to emails.  Wow, I'm making progress.  Kids are quiet.  Getting stuff done.  Wait.  Kids are quiet.  I turn toward our bedroom door as it slowly opens and in comes a little finger with...stuff...on...it.  Instant adrenaline, OH NO!!!  She doesn't have a diaper on!!!  Ok! Major mess ummmm, all over her legs and now I've got to get these undies off of her with out making a bigger mess, ok....on the floor...no no no...we shouldn't have done that!  Meanwhile, my bedroom door is open because JUST THIS ONCE, I DIDNT LOCK IT BEHIND ME!!! and SO the other two take full advantage of mama being occupied!! Kaelynn has a heavy paper weight in her hand about ready to pound my laptop keyboard and Aidan can't be seen around the corner but I hear bouncing so my heart rate goes up about 50 pts.  Gotta find those baby wipes!  We finally get to the bathroom door, half organized with non-poop accidents waiting to happen, and the DOOR IS LOCKED!  I'm trying to get my key with two handfuls of mess and the key is hitting Kylie in the face! Get the door open and now maneuver around the new light-tan bath mat we just got and I'm dropping wipes in the toilet...I know...I know...they aren't supposed to go in there, but the trash is full and these things were nasty! This goes on. and on. and on.  We finally finish and I bring her out to the couch, and I'm running, I mean running because I know I have a fire to put out in my room and there is poopie on my carpet.  But Kaelynn isn't in the room anymore, only Aidan...and he's hiding in the closet...so I search for Kaelynn.  What better place than on top of the most expensive pillow in our house, with her big wet butt because she just wee'd all over the thing!  Off come those undies!  Now I have 2 naked little butts running around!!  And with children that have Autism, they repeat everything back to you as you say it...so there is a constant echo, "stop it! (stop it), what are you doing? (what are you doing), come here! (come here), where are your clothes?? (where are your clothes).  I decide they are both getting diapers and now Aidan needs to be changed again so he's pounding on the bedroom door that was locked by his sister.  Open. Lock. slam. open. lock. slam. unlock. climb. lift. whack!  And laundry is getting piled up again. And I still haven't emailed and how am I going to manage dinner.  It's now 2:20pm and we have therapy at 3:30.  And now I'm blogging...because darn it...I'm a freaking mess over here that needs an outlet!!  Loveliness surrounds me...yep, it's totally, definitely lovely up in here!  And that folks, is my memoire of the last hour.  Good day. Good night.  Good God.

Princess Giggle

Once upon a time in a land of laundry and dirty dishes, there lived a "still very young" princess named Giggle.  Giggle could find a reason to smile in almost any circumstance because it was in her nature to laugh instead of cry.

When things went wrong - she laughed.

When she got hurt - she laughed.

When the future looked very dark and lonely - she laughed. 

One day, while Giggle was looking for reasons to laugh, a very dark stranger came along and told Giggle that she didn't have any reasons to smile or be happy.  He gave her reasons to cry instead of laugh.  Giggle wasn't ready for this darkness so she let him steal her happy.  She let him hurt her joy and he made her cry day and night.  Suddenly, she found herself comfortable there in the dark.  Crying was her new laughing.  She eventually forgot how to laugh.  Her friends tried to help.  They told her the stranger was wrong and that she had reasons to laugh and be happy.  So, Giggle would try to laugh but she would cry instead.  Her friends didn't give up.  They cried with her.  They prayed with her.  They tried to make her smile.  They talked about all the good things Giggle had to look forward to.  They reminded Giggle about God's grace and His Love that was never ending.  Day and night, her friends stood by her side.

Many months went by...

Giggle still hadn't laughed.

On a sad Winter morning, she made her way to the garden to pray.  Although she wasn't happy, she still cried out to God everyday asking to have her happy back.  This day was different.  She was numb...but, He was waiting for her with big strong arms.  He wanted to see her smile and laugh again.  He wanted to restore her happy.  He had heard all the prayers and He had stored all the tears.  He was waiting for her heart to be open to receive His happy.  He smiled at her and her soul collapsed right before Him.  She was an empty vessel.  All cried out.  Nothing left to give.  It was then, that a flood of happy came in.  Funny thing was, nothing had changed really.  Her life was still the same.  But, once again she could smile when things were bad and laugh when she had no reason.  She exchanged her tears for laughter and her sadness for happy.

Giggle's happy came from God all along.  His happy was always available and was free.  Giggle decided to keep it and praised God for His Happy :)

Now Giggle is laughing again.

When her heart hurts - she laughs.

When she is lonely - she laughs.

When her circumstances are hard - she laughs.

After all, it's in her nature to laugh instead of cry.
Giggle :)

Mulitple children with Autism...The "A" word!! It does happen to everyday people.

My husband and I have 7 children (His, Hers and Ours).  2 of our precious little ones have Autism...and a 3rd (the baby) is still undergoing testing.  I think a lot about what I'd like to share with people, especially if I can shed light for families who are new to the autism world.  And for you naysayers, YES, it is another world!  A foreign world, where things of your former world no longer work, or make sense.  The air, food, space, touch, site, smell, sound, desire, hope, friendship, mobility ALL becomes different.  It's as if you were reaching your foot out to step on the ground and instead of finding a solid surface your foot bounced off and threw your body like a trampoline.  All the while, people around you are saying, "just step on it, why are you bouncing, it's easy, you aren't trying hard enough, here fill out some paperwork so you can get an instructor on how to step on the ground??!!"  It's humiliating and insulting to a certain degree, to be sure.  You are supposed to know these things!  They are YOUR children!  So what if they speak a different language and bounce off the ground...you still need to find a way to stabilize their life, your life and live in a world of "normal" people.

The ugly truth is, not all people can handle your new reality.  I have been completely dumped by friends, just dismissed and ignored.  I blame their ignorance and try my best to just forgive and move on but it is very difficult when you can't even address the underlying issue with them.  It's like you become a social pariah.  If they don't know "what" to say, they just disappear so they don't have to say what is on their mind.  It's hurtful and unkind.  I'd rather be told what people think of my situation, no matter how hard it is to hear.  But then again, I have learned a compassion about others that I didn't know before Autism.  A kind of "reading between the lines", that helps me filter my words to whom I'm speaking so I don't do to others, what I so often have done to me.  Now look at who I've become, a overly sensitive, critical and closed off person??  Not really...but sometimes...yes, that describes me.  I don't blame my children.  I don't really blame autism.  I just know I've changed because of it...because of the "A" word.  But not all changes are bad.  Not all changes make us worse.  I think a lot of the changes have affected our perspective...our values...and how we rely on God.

People say...You should write a book!  People say...You should tell your story!!  People say...You should help other families that are hurting because of the "A" word!!!  Can I ask one thing about that?  How on earth can I help others when I myself need help?

I remember a time when I could sit down and write, cook a meal, vacuum, grocery shop, use the bathroom, call a friend.  I can still do those things occasionally, but I almost always pay a price.  I have had to weigh out small tasks to determine if it's worth the risk of turning my back or placing my children in another room.  Our 2 autistic children fight ferociously, they climb everything and jump off of high places and they don't have empathy.  I have made the mistake of doing an everyday thing (like watching a TV program for 30 minutes) and even still, took at break after maybe 8 minutes and have walked into a room covered in feces...and babies faces and hands covered in it as well.  Was that worth the 8 minutes of starting a program, that I can no longer finish but now have to bathe 3 children (in a plastic tub insert in our shower nonetheless), and now have to scrub and sanitize the room, open windows and spray so hopefully the house won't reek of poop all night!!!

I love to write.  I love to read.  Now I don't only not have time...but I never get enough undivided time where I can actually concentrate and accomplish something.  Therefore I blog...and in venting and blogging I discover that indeed I can help others by merely sharing.

I now wear a key around my neck.  I am known as "The Keeper of the Key's" or "Hagrid" (Harry Potter reference :), and it's because we discovered that our children were figuring out how to unlock the front door.  Only solution to that is locking the house from the inside.  I also lock doors in the hall and have keys for those as well.  And hey, in case you were wondering, that goes against my every instinct!  I don't like it.  I want my kids to explore and feel open and welcome in THEIR home for goodness sake!  It's a terrible conundrum I find myself in.  I'm the mom who wants to be home with her kids!  One who wants to play dress up and make mud pies and study bugs!  I want to plant a garden with my little ones and watch it grow.  I don't want an outside job so we can have fancy cars and an expensive house in the rich part of town.  Yet, I am here...swimming upstream and doing what I can with my kids in a less than suitable home...and still not able to do the things a stay-at-home mom dreams of doing.

I was telling a friend yesterday that if I let down all my gates and unlocked all the doors to see what my kids would do...they would:

Run the perimeter of the house endlessly screaming, laughing, pushing and talking gibberish.
They would open every cupboard, drawer, door and pantry...all while emptying all the contents.  They would climb every shelf, counter, table, chair and bed.
They would jump from one piece of furniture to another and they don't notice glass or breakable items.
They wouldn't stop if I told them to.
They wouldn't care if someone got hurt.
They wouldn't care if they themselves got hurt.
They would keep going.
And going...

I understand.  Nobody should let the gates down with little ones running about, right?!  Well, in our house...the gates don't stop them, they just slow them down.  They can bust through anything.

Now, enough of the hardship talk.  Enough of the whoa's!!!  Let me tell you another side of this world.

Because of our families new challenge, we are forced to communicate about every detail of the day.  What the kids ate and drank, how they managed the bus, what therapy times they had and any small achievements that may have happened.  We talk about new ways to rearrange the furniture, how I can manage a trip to the store with certain kids and how another of them might be too hard on that day.  My husband checks in regularly to see if there is anything going on that we need to talk about or pray about.  Our schedule is strict.  Our bed time is early.  And our menu is simple.  Because of this intense interaction, we ALL know...from the oldest to the youngest...where everyone is physically & emotionally at any point of the day.  We don't require a lot of friend outings.  They simply don't ask.  I can skip some events that aren't crucial because our little guys don't know one way or the other...so there are no fights.

Our kids are still very young in their minds so there is a sweetness about them that most mommy's love to hold onto while their children are growing up and they want wish they would stay small.  That is a tender blessing.

Our special kids provide a sense of stability to our home.  It's strange but they really do.  We don't have to guess at decisions, we KNOW what we can and can't do.  It wasn't that way at first, it is something you learn as you are presented with issues that you never had to face with your older neurotypical children.  When we are in the moment we feel trapped but in a weird and almost magical way, we are free.  Basic smiles and hand movements that others don't notice become a proclamation to my husband in the other room, "HONEY!!!  DID YOU HEAR THAT!!!"  "PRAISE GOD!!", I hear him reply...and all that because Kaelynn said in a slow methodical voice, "Mama. I want cookie.Yes?'

Did you hear that?  A sentence?  Our 3 1/2 year old is making sentences!!!

And we carry on...

And we lift our requests to Jesus...

And we take pictures as we go along...

And the journey that takes place is like no other, it sings a song all it's own.  A song that angels sing.

Summer 2012 - Sounds a lot like Summer 2013

An old post that actual made me laugh...some things never change!!  LOL
____________________________________________________________________

When I drive home after appointments with the kids, I listen to music to soothe the pain.  I am not happy with seeing psychologists and having to answer "no" to questions about my children that I KNOW I should be saying yes to.  I am sick of the paperwork and red-tape involved in regional centers, school districts, medical grievance departments and therapy agencies.  I don't get heard when I talk to my children...and they certainly don't answer back.  My agonies could go on and on and I try and "hold my chin up" as many of my friends and family have encouraged me to do.  My question is, how do you do that when you keep getting "kicked in the chin"!?

Last month was supposed to be the season of all seasons.  Our 3 kids that live in Maryland would be visiting and Kyle would be getting time off that #1 he needed very badly but also...#2 he had to save all year so there was never another break along the way.  In the short time the kids were here: the vacuum cleaner broke, the new trundle we bought for the toddlers broke, our garbage disposal broke, all 3 babies got hand foot and mouth disease, Kyle's grandmother passed away, my mother started her chemo treatments for colon cancer and our daughter Kaelynn was diagnosed with Autism.  This WASNT going to be the season we were longing for.  It WASNT our turn to get a break or to have a time of rest.  We are a one income family, we don't get vacations, we don't own a house or enough cars.  When we planned for the kids to come, we prayed that those things would change so we would have enough room for everyone, to maybe ease some of the stress.  That didn't happen.  Instead, it was harder.  We joke that when our ship does come in...it will be the Titanic.

I am tired of dragging out of bed to put out fires first thing in the morning.  Changing up to 18 diapers a day.  My children are in therapy each day with various people coming and going and almost always leaving a mess behind or setting my children free when I'm not ready, only so I can chase them through the kitchen and out the back door.  Today, Kaelynn was upset and pulled every stitch of clothing out of her and Aidans dresser.  Kylie is teething so she cries all day.  Aidan has been constipated and when it ends he poops about 6x that day...resulting in a severe rash and sore bottom.  Aidan and Kaelynn whine or scream to communicate and then hit me or throw things at me if I don't reply.  Kaelynn throws everything off any surface, strips her bed, clothes and won't let me brush her teeth or hair.  I hear some of you saying, "that sounds like any 2 year old"!  Can I just say...it's NOT THE SAME!  Discipline doesn't work.  They have no empathy and high pain thresholds.  They don't understand what social graces are.  They don't feel sad when I'm angry with them.  They are like strong-willed children on crack that don't care about danger.  Can they be good?  Yes, of course they have their moments.  It's the day in and day out that just kills my skills...my mother skills, wife skills, cooking skills, cleaning skills...you get it.

Today, I'm twitching....

Engloria (The short version of a Scottish childrens book) - by Chella Rivers

Hello readers,

This is a short version of a Scottish adventure chapter book I've been working on for a few years.  I tried to publish the "long" version and then shortened it for a competition in a magazine.  I thought it would be fun to post the short version as a blog since it's not terribly long to read.  If I get a good response, I will post the long version, chapter by chapter.  I hope you enjoy it.


Engloria
by Chella Rivers

Nicola lived in a cold, smoky cottage near the gate of Sorn Castle.  The fog was always thickest there and seemed to purposely hide the villagers’ view of the castle courtyard.  Her stonewalled cottage made the bitter chill of winter a painful enemy.  The floors stuck to her cold, bare feet early in the morning when she stepped out of bed, which was only made of straw covered with dirty sheets with holes.  Having food in the cupboard was rare and there was barely enough coal to build a fire.  The butt and ben had one big room that consisted of the living room, a wash area for cooking, a water closet and a curtained area for Nicola’s bed. 

With auburn curls, bright green eyes and fair skin, Nicola was a perfect picture of Scottish blood. She had one living relative, Duncan McIntosh, and even though he provided for her, he was evil to the core.  Duncan was the grounds keeper for Sorn Castle, yet he forced Nicola to maintain most of the chores.  The loft was where dreadful Duncan slept off his whiskey and of course Nicola was subjected to the stench of his filthiness each time she had to clean up after him. 

Late one spring evening, after Duncan had fallen into a drunken stupor, Nicola decided to spend some time at the River Ayr.  At the river there was a stone crossing that was supposedly bewitched.  The legend was told that if you go under the bridge, you will end up in a land called Engloria and you may never return.  Even so, she continued to walk toward the legendary stone bridge.  The sky above her was covered in its common grey canopy yet was clothed in lush green landscape.  The water passed by her as she walked and it didn't look back at her.  Everything around her stood still, and the grass lay flat across the hillside as if it were waiting for the arrival of someone very important.  The canopy above her appeared to get closer and darker and the air seemed to be getting thicker the closer she got to the stone archway.  Her vision blurred as she tried to focus on the mystifying bridge ahead.  All the thoughts that went through her head felt useless and the eerie feeling that took over the glen suddenly gripped her with terror.  There were sounds in her head that she knew for certain weren’t echoing in her ears.  Black thoughts consumed her emotions and if it continued much longer she would surely go mad.  The fear of it all made her take off into a full sprint back to where her home was in Sorn.  She jumped over rocks and puddles, dodged thistle bushes and leapt over fallen fir trees.  Nothing could make her feet move fast enough.  She could feel the baby hair on her neck stand up as she darted in and out of gullies and divots in the road.  She could feel the force of something evil tugging at her clothing and hair.  Underneath the ground was a lurking darkness that didn’t want Nicola claiming the joy that was just beyond the bridge.  Somehow, it knew Nicola and sensed her abilities.  Nicola couldn’t have known the seriousness of her travels.  She felt as if the ground had started to swallow her feet as she pulled her legs like taffy from the dirt road.  As the forest passed by her in a swift blurry mess, she could hear the whistle of the air as it stung her ears.  She made an attempt to go under the bridge and was too scared now to continue so she returned home flustered and scared.  By then, the fog had swept in quickly from the coast and swallowed the night.  As she continued, she looked in the distance to see the outline of her cottage and feared that Duncan was awake.  Being as quiet as possible, she crept through the dense fir trees near her bedroom window.  She took a deep breath and held it in while she pushed it open.  She could feel her heart beat in her chest.  One leg at a time, she managed to get back in her room without making a sound.  Still afraid to breathe, she slipped off her shoes and scrambled in bed fully clothed. 

The lamp from the front room glowed under her door.  She could smell the tobacco burning in Duncan's pipe.  He was up, but most likely heaped over his whiskey and not aware that she was even gone, which was just as well.  He was a tall thick brute with a scraggly red beard and moustache.  His nose and cheeks were puffy and splotched with redness since he drank heavily and carried his anger around with him wherever he went.  After a wee bit she undressed and put on her nightgown and opened her bedroom door to glance out to see Duncan.  With one eye peeking through the cracked door, she looked side to side and suddenly her stare was met with a pair of bloodshot eyes.

            "Where have you been all night?" he bellowed as he pulled the door open forcefully and dragged her into the room and on to the floor.

            "I haven't had my supper you worthless little rat!  How many times have I told you that you aren't allowed to leave this house until I have had my supper?"

            As Duncan screamed, a boiling pot flew across the room aimed directly at her head and she ducked out of its path.  Inside she wanted to scream, but she sat silently and gazed at the ground as his rampage continued.  Lucky for her, he was also drunk and was in and out of consciousness and he began to wobble back and forth on his feet.  Her ears became numb during his ranting and her eyes became heavy.  Her mind wandered off to the day's events.  She still wasn't sure what spooked her at the burn.  She wondered if it was her imagination.  Either way, she needed to try again but this time she wouldn’t go alone.  The one person that came to mind was Liam McPherson, a lad she had known her whole life but also kept at a distance.  She was afraid to get close to anyone but maybe he could help her face the bridge.  In fact, as she lay there, she recalled that he told her that he had been to Engloria, yet she never believed him.  Tomorrow she would find out if it were true.

Finally Duncan fell back in his chair and passed out.  She got up off the floor, climbed into bed and closed her eyes.  Nicola knew that tomorrow would be here soon and she needed to rest for another day at the burn.

The next morning, after eating a stale bit of toast she found hidden in the storeroom, she dressed herself with whatever was clean in her bureau.  Then she brushed her tangled hair, wrapped a hair-bob around her locks and left the cottage.  She quickly made her way through the busy town to find Liam.  Maybe with him as her escort, she could brave the bridge once again.  As she came to the edge of a grassy knoll, she could see Mr. McCombs’s horse and cart in front of the church.  Taking a better look, she noticed that there was a lad seated in the back.  She couldn’t mistake that it was indeed Liam.  His hair and face were messy and unkempt and he wore a red and black kilt with tall black boots that laced and buckled all the way up his calves.  Across his chest was a sash, the same print as the kilt and underneath that she could see a long-sleeved white tunic.  On his left shoulder, he wore a pin that had something written across it and a picture that she couldn't quite make out.  

“Good day sir,” Nicola said as she curtsied, “Would you like to join me on a grand adventure today?  I understand you are familiar with Engloria?” she added.

Excited at the prospect, Liam exclaimed with a bow, “Of course, my dear lady!  I would be honored.” Nicola let her fantasy and imagination take over and they set off, giggling as they walked. They paced themselves shoulder-to-shoulder as they approached the auld brig.  Nicola was curious why the evil presence that followed her the previous day was no longer there, and she wondered if having Liam with her was possibly the answer.  It was lovely to have him there and it was even better that she wasn’t frightened.  The morning sun reflected off the water on the other side of the bridge and it sparkled like a sea of jewels in liquid gold.  Their feet sunk into the ice-cold water and they struggled to balance on the rocky bottom.  Each step resulted in sliding and grasping onto something sturdy.  Every time Nicola’s feet submerged she could feel the water swish between her toes and it made a gooey feeling run all over her body.  The wet marshy water really was quite gross.  As they reached the last few feet of the covering, Nicola could see a new world unfolding in front of her.  To her amazement, the landscape looked just like Sorn although there were no houses or people.  The Munroe rose up to the top of the world and the peaks were covered in fluffy white snow.  The meadow they stood in was covered in blue bells and thick, white flowers called snowdrops that resembled tiny tear drops.  On the outside edge of the eastern glen there were groves of tall, white fir trees standing neck to neck.  The grass was cheerfully calming and each time the wind blew the teardrops burst into song.  The peaceful scenery seemed to be composed by a master artist and Nicola knew that there was something special about this place.  Liam pointed out various areas of land and explained the names of the territories.

"Right there, where the mountains start to climb is the Lankin Forest, where days and nights slow down and small mysteries take flight.  And to the right, just south of the burn is, Glen Lomond.  To the North is the White Forest and the base of Whisper Falls,” Liam proclaimed whimsically, while he starred off into the distance.

Unbeknownst to them, when they entered Engloria, they cracked the seal and now the darkness and its leader were already transcending into the meadow that led into the Lankin Forest.  Slowly, dark clouds formed above the forest as the wind picked up speed.  They fearfully watched as the darkness started to close in on them suddenly.  Clouds hovered overhead and the air grew thick and so cold that the puddles that had formed that day became tiny ice rinks and droplets of water froze in mid air. The White Forest stood still as the black engulfed the trees and attempted to strangle the leaves of the branches.  Black and grey images, like wolves that could fly, jumped from tree limb to tree limb, taking out every thing in their path.

Liam grabbed Nicolas and hand and said, “Quick, I know a place where we can take cover as the storm passes by!”

They ran as fast as possible toward a large rock formation.  They felt cold against their backs and when Nicola glanced over her shoulder she became very frightened by the storm as it appeared to be chasing them. Hand-in-hand they went into the cracked mountainside.  The black cloud that followed them had frozen everything in its path, including the bridge and the Lankin Forest.  They were now engulfed in a marble and stone walkway that towered over the great valley. The clouds had darkened the path, which offered no comfort, and in the distance they could hear loud shrieks of a howling animal that seemed to be in a battle.  The sides of the crevice were vast and the sky was filled with black smoke.  However, when they had gone through the passageway and approached the top of the brae they peered over the glen below to a brilliant scene.  The ghostly clouds hadn’t made it to this side of Engloria.  The peace was astounding as eagles soared across the heavens gracefully.  Nicola could see a family of ducks playing in a nearby puddle, and they watched her closely in case they needed to escape.  She wondered why they weren't in the giant magnificent lake just steps away from them.  Nicola got chills all over her and tiny goose bumps on her arms rose up making her cold suddenly.

Liam and Nicola looked down into the glen near a grove of trees and then they heard what sounded like a rush of wind and water coming from somewhere in the meadow below.  Clouds were combining together to form some sort of an object that Nicola had a hard time distinguishing.  In between the clouds were speckles of shimmery water that were transparent and suspended in the sky.  The water droplets started to line up in the form of something.  They slowly came closer together in such a way it seemed they could communicate.  As she focused and the formation started to become clearer she could see that the water droplets had created an enormous hand in the sky.  Nicola was startled and started to run for shelter as she watched the water spectacle.  The last three fingers on the hand were now tucked into the palm, as was the thumb, which left the index finger pointing outward. As Nicola hid under a willow tree, she watched in amazement as the extended finger, which she could barely see amidst the backdrop of the same color sky, showered a spout of clear, fresh water onto the valley below.  It moved with precision and functioned as a regular water spigot.  It was terrifying yet astonishing all at the same time.  The hand had no body attached to it as it drifted from shrub to tree and from grassy field to rose bush.  It was obviously watering the meadow.

Liam and Nicola stood and faced the valley.  She reached for his hand as they each took a deep breath of excitement and they walked deeper into the world of Engloria.

Legends are mysteries that are passed down from generation to generation.  The people in the legends are those that carry details of the truth.  They are ingrained in the minds of those who live the story and then live to tell it to others.   Nobody who walks the earth wants to become part of a legend, for then they will step into the unknown depths of a strange and eerie existence.  And yet here they were, in a world that would turn her belief system upside down.  This was the moment they were born for and they somehow knew this adventure would lead them to the greatest fulfillment in the history of Engloria.

 

Why I'm able to Mother with love instead of merely surviving my Autistic children!

Do you ever wonder about your neighbor and their rowdy children?  Or look crooked at a family eating at the table next you and wonder why they can't control their child?  Stop for a moment and think about the fact that you know nothing about that family unless you have spoken to them.  Even then, they may not reveal the truth to a stranger or a person who doesn't need to know their business.  When I'm in public and my child is climbing the walls, I don't make a proclamation of "my daughter is Autistic and that's why she's out of control", because honestly I don't need to make excuses (nor do I have the time), I just need to focus on teaching her the right way to behave and to ignore the negative behaviors that draw her too much attention.  Does this sound foreign?  It did to me also about 2 years ago when we were first learning this new technique of training our children how to interact in a social world when they have no social compass whatsoever.


My life doesn't revolve around Autism, or does it?  I find my thoughts gravitate to what ASD is teaching me, or rather, what my children who suffer from ASD are teaching me.  I have been compelled to look deeper inside myself than I ever thought I needed to.  I've had to remove scales from my eyes about my own heart and how over the years I have naively judged other parents.  I escape in my mind to places I've never traveled (for those who know me intimately, it's usually England :), in order to survive those days that make ZERO sense and when my calendar is so full I actually need to be in 3 places at once and they are all equally important.  I find I am a person who needs peace and quiet to concentrate on important detailed matters and because I no longer have that quiet time, I'm learning how to create a situation that motivates me enough to finish tasks that ordinary leave me baffled.

I use the word baffled now.  Amazing...haha.

When I was in middle school I loved Punk music and I wore ghastly black clothes with chains and spikes.  Due to childhood trauma, I also had emotional baggage that today would cost thousands in airport fees!  Life was dark, mysterious and hurtful and hence I became those things too.  I still find myself wanting to wear heavy black eye-liner and converse!  Its comical really when you see who I am now and how I go days on end wearing whatever fits (even my husbands clothes), one would think I have no style of my own or any sense of fashion.  But, in the midst of this irony, I have found a profound sense of freedom, after all aren't punk rockers rebellious in nature?  Aren't they trend setters and haters of the common fashion world?

Why is she talking about punk-rockers and Autism?  Where is all this going?

 

Please let me explain.

I am the mother of 7 children.  I gave birth to 4 of them and 3 of them were entrusted to me by God.  I also have what I call spiritual "adopted" children that call me mom :) They all face challenges in different ways.  They have hurts and questions like I did.  That is why my life was hard growing up.  I'm sorry if this sounds "cliché"  but lets be real, I could never understand and have compassion on my future children if I had the perfect upbringing.  "There is no "perfect" upbringing" you may say...and I hear ya...but, there are "white picket fence" lives out there.  Parents who stay married.  Good family and friends encouraging good character.  Money doesn't buy happiness but it does provide more opportunities to thrive in sports, education, travel and experiences.  Everyone has trouble, yes.  But, not everyone has childhood trauma.


Recently, I have uncovered some truths about me that are bringing the last 40 years into perspective.  Have you ever wondered why you have encountered various things in life and why others haven't?  Why your parents divorced, why you were abused, why there was never security, why you rebelled and tried drugs or allowed people to take advantage of you?  I usually don't think about it and maybe I should?  I have just moseyed through life and took things as they came, one day at a time.  I expected bad things.  It was comfortable for me.  I made decisions along the way that formed who I am.  Some bad. Some good.  But clearly there was a reason for all the hurt and I could've crawled into a ball and cried...and there were days that I did.  I could've given up. I think often about what Jesus might say if He were physically standing by me in those moments.  Probably something like, "what are you doing with what I have given you?"  It's a hard question to face.  It picks us up and dusts us off as we realize that it is because of His purpose that we pour ourselves out into whomever He places in our lives.  Our family, children, friends, those in need and people who have nobody.  Who am I to wallow and give up. Who am I to NOT do my best with those He has placed in my life?

Finally it becomes clear if you accept that you aren't in control.  All those memories and life experiences have formed you and me into the person who can handle what is going on today.  If I'm being more specific about MY life, then I'd have to say that I am able to adjust to change, be flexible, accept craziness, be different, look different, improvise and stand out.  That is where the punk-rocker in my shines...lol.  And yes, I believe that God allowed ALL of this so that when I had to face the challenge of Autism I would embrace it and fight through the trials with love and tenderness.  If I had a great upbringing, I could not handle this, it would be terrifying and I would crumble into a big mess of emotion. I am not perfect and have my moments when I don't think I can take it but God always shows me the way and gives me His strength.  I hope I'm not coming across as knowing it all because that is not my intent in any way, shape or form.  I am just doing what I do, speaking for myself and from the heart and sharing my own personal experience.  Hopefully shedding some light for a mom, dad or care taker who is feeling the same hopelessness with their special situation.